You Can’t Quit Food

You Can’t Quit Food

You know what’s ugly about food addiction?

You can’t quit.

Isn’t it interesting that a lot of addictions start with our base needs? Food. Drink. Happiness. Sex. Safety. By avoiding what we actually need and diving face first into what we want, we end up creating a complicated mess.

Like an unhealthy self perception and the idea that we need food for comfort.

Now that is something you can never actually “quit”.

The Grocery Store

This problem is never more apparent to me than when I go back to the grocery store.

I’ve contemplated ordering and picking up—just so I don’t have to go inside and see the endless options. Smell the saccharine scent of donuts in the air. Dream about loading my cart up with the cakes that are not only on display—but look so freaking pretty!

(It’s really unfortunate that food has to be so visually appealing too. A pile of sawdust sure doesn’t draw me in.)

For me, ordering and avoiding the store is a great strategy when I’m going through a hard time or am super busy. But I’ve found that avoidance just breeds more fear. Fear of the food itself. Fear of choices. Fear of myself because I lack the control to hold back.

But really—fear that I’m not enough.

Most of the time, it takes me going to the grocery store and facing those fears to really face the issue.

No, I say, I am good enough even if I buy a brownie as a treat and not because I feel I need it to cope with my day. Or I still have value even if I don’t look like that model. (YeahI often have to do that just while grocery shopping. These fears crop up.)

Why is this important? Because otherwise, I grab food for comfort.

If I don’t face the demons, then I hand the control over to fear.

It Comes Back

Even though I’ve learned how to love myself in an imperfect state, that doesn’t mean I always doThere are days that I forget how much food is an obstacle to me. Then it comes back.

And suddenly I remember it all so clearly.

There are days where I have to double my meditation time just so I can confront a crowd of people as an author and still feel I have value even if I’m not perfect. There are days when I have to coach myself in the mirror to remember that I have important things to say even though I don’t have a stick thin body. Or I have to calm the panic that rises if I don’t get a work out in, or ate too much dessert.

It’s all right, I have to tell myself. My worth is not based on my workout or my food intake. I’m sorry, body, for not treating you right. We’re going to do better. 

Because even when I try really hard to remember, it comes back.

Sometimes I have to dig deep to find that morsel of self love. Sometimes I don’t believe myself, so I turn to my people. The ones that stand behind me. That affirm my value without certain perfections being met.

Even then . . . sometimes I just have to remember me.

Me.

That me is good enough without a single digit jean size. That me is perfect now even when it all seems to hopeless. Health, longevity, and feeling good in my own skin are my goals.

No matter what, it always comes back. Why?

Because you can’t quit food. And that’s okay.

I wouldn’t ever want to.

Katie
kcrosswriting@gmail.com